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Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
At long last, I`ve finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.....The results were, quite frankly, staggering.
I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
Do bees even have knees?
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.