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Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
One thing`s for sure when I shower with my boyfriend. My titties are spotless!!
Last year in college football Alabama beat Arkansas, Tennessee, and Auburn. Those teams coaches all resigned. Any chance of Alabama playing agsinst the White House this year?
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.