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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?