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Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.
Facebook is great, but I still miss the good old days of writing down my random thoughts and sliding them into stranger`s pockets.