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Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow`s milk.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.