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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
I`m gaining weight for my role as "Before picture"
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.