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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
Is a roasted peanut like a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts?
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
It`s a lot easier to chuck a co-worker in the dumpster than it is to listen to his problems.
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.