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I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf´s a minute
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.