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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
Is it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I`m trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.