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Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
Yes, that`s correct. And the horse you rode in on.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.