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I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
I don’t have a bucket list, but my f*cket list is a mile long.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.