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Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
It`s always darkest before the dawn. So if you`re going steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s be the time to do it.
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.