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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
Pizza is my favorite winter activity
The black sheep always have the best stories.
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.