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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.