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Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
Don`t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that Iād have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I`m bored.
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.