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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Let`s run away together.. Lol jk, I don`t run anywhere.
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.