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America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
If my smartphone was so smart, then why it can`t do my math homework
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
Safe words are for quitters.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.