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People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
When I`m all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I`d never let that scenario become a reality.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me