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I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
If life gives you lemons make grape juice than lay back and watch people wondering how you did it;)
Why is it called "reading a book" and not paper view?
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?