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When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
Wonders why we can`t just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?