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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
Who’s that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again. ;)
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.