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I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"