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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
Can you find the the mistake? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10. Click Funny if you did..
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.