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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!