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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Honk if you are reading this.
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.