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There are no bad pictures. That`s just how your face looks sometimes.
I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels