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When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
I finally stopped caring what other people think ... I hope everyone`s ok with that.
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
I don`t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.