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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, Iām a hunter-gatherer.
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
"Hey, man, just called to see when you`re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too." -Radio Stations
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
I`m only 30 lbs away from my New Year`s resolution to lose 20 lbs!!
I am not as think as you drunk I am
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.
Do you really have to breath that much?