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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"