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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.