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Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.