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Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
I noticed the toilet roll incorrectly installed in your selfie.
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...