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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don`t even know what I`m doing with the rest of this post...
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.