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I miss the life I planned in my head.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
Picking and choosing who to say happy birthday to since 2006, thanks Facebook!
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.