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I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I`m sure someday it will.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.