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Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
If Trump wins I`m leaving the country. If Hillary wins I`m leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary, and those who don`t.