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My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
Radio Shack has stayed in business with a name combining something no one buys anymore and a type of building no one wants to go into.
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
Hmmmm what should I buy myself for Valentines day.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
No one ever reads the rules of Monopoly unless an argument breaks out.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.