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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
is in no shape to exercise
Diet plan: make friends fatter
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like