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If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
Is anyone going to tell America`s funniest videos about YouTube?
Is bloodletting still in use today? Just thinking...I know a couple of people here that may be in need of some bloodletting
I dream about naps.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.