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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
Who do Walmart shoppers make fun of?
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can`t post anything on the internet or they`ll know I`m ignoring them.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married