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I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.