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Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
You`re about as deep as a kiddies splash-pool..
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.