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You all take typos way too serious, you gays.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
No means no! Unless she`s dyslexic; then it`s on!
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.