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I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
Just remember, If we get caught you`re deaf and I don`t speak English.
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.