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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.