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I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
Just so I`m sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.