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"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
My mom says I`m special.
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.