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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
And then her mood ring just...exploded
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will only be jingling "part" of the way this year, as usual ur patience is appreciated.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!