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I wish my mind had a delete button.
"Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.
At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?