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Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.
in 2014 there were times when I annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you and bugged the hell out of you. Today i wanna let you know that i planned to continue with it this year :-)
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
My internet goes out more than I do.
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.