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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
No. My hair magically got shorter.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face