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True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you`re a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.