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When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
Yeah but why do they call him Bigfoot if both of his feet are the exact same size
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
A hard thing about business is minding your own
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.