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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
9 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, & a Facebook… When I was 9, I felt cool with my new markers.
I can update Facebook from anywhere. Even when crossing the stre
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
You`re the type of person who didn`t rewind the Blockbuster VHS...