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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
It’s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.