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Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
If you watch Intervention backwards, it`s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.