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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.