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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again: it before
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.