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The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.