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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?