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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
Today`s Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bullsh*t.
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.