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Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.