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Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I wish bedtime was all the time.
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.