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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
Bitch I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.