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3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
Life is fun! You should get one.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist