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I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds. :/
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
You guys ever trip out on the fact that Indian people eat Indian food for breakfast?
No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop