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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
Oh honey, you`re not pretty enough to be that stupid
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So incase you were wondering. ...41, guys,...that`s the limit.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.