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Have you hugged you bartender today.
And then her mood ring just...exploded
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you