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Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
It`s called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I`d of sent a bloody letter
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.