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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.