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I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
Im 6`1", blue eyes, light brown hair, fit, own my own compa......oh crap, wrong website, sorry.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together