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It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.