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I just called. To say. I texted you.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
I think I`m gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.
About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
If one goes to online college, do they have to haze them self?
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....