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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.