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I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time