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Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
Tonight`s good mood is sponsored by ... Beer!!
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
It`s funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.