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I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.