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Who says nothing is impossible. I´ve been doing nothing for years.
It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
I love my toilet. We`ve been through alot of sh!t together.
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
When I`m all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I`d never let that scenario become a reality.
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
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