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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
I know you`re the instructor but I`ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.