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If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I still dunno why they say cats have 9 lives. My cat only eats & sleeps all day long. It has no life at all!
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.