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I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
Your just jealous because u don`t hear the voices.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
The reason I talk to myself is because Iām the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.