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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
says if you don`t like the way I live my life, than there is some good news... you aren`t me!!
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?