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I need me a pretty girl with an ugly girl personality
Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
I have nothing!
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.