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I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...