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If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.