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Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
Will someone please tell ugly girls with small boobs that their opioion doesnt really matter.
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.