Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
I need new swear words.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...