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I wish I had a friend like me
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
Why is it called cliffhanger and not
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.