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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."