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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
To those girls who always put"CRYING" at the end of every status, seriously what do you expect us to do, inbox you a tissue?
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I`m not excited about finding change on the ground.
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...