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If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
yelling at the referee that he made a mistake has never worked, No Referee has never turned around and said, "Why yes your are right silly me I did make a mistake, penalty denied, goal kick"
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.