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The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
Defeat....the feeling you get when you realize the "next" level is just as hard......
God is creative... I mean look at me??
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.