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I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"