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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
Marriage is for quitters
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
I drink coffee for your protection.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.