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What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...