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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.