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If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
Light travels faster than sound.. That is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
I´ll never be old enough to know better.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."