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If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking!
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.