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I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
9 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, & a Facebook… When I was 9, I felt cool with my new markers.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.