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The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
I`m gaining weight for my role as "Before picture"
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.