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I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.