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My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
is spending my children´s inheritance.
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
The only reason I keep people`s phone numbers in my phone is to avoid their calls..
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.