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If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.