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I feel like a piece of corn in the digestive tract of life ~ I`m going through a lot of crap but I`m sure I`ll come out whole.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
The wet spot in my bed is tears
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
I`m saving all my good posts for when I can think of some.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
Being human is expensive and exhausting.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."