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I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium