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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.