Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
May the bridges I burn light the way.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
1, 2 Freddie´s coming for u 3, 4 better lock the door 5, 6 grab your crucifix 7, 8 gotta say up late 9, 10 never sleep again
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Walmart needs observation decks.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
I’m not crazy just the voices are!