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First fart at my new job.
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.