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Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
A wise man, will often say nothing
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
Happy Wednesday 2014 Everyone!
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.