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When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
Sö î hèãrd ÿôu lìkê gùÿš with ácçeñts?
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.