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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
With the problems I have, I would have taken my own life a long time ago but i have one question: Do they sell weed in hell?
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"