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I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they`re and their. From now on I`m going to point it out, weather they like it or not.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.