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I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
life is like a bed of roses just got to whatch out for the pricks
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
m for Monday t for Tuesday wtf Wednesday Thursday Friday get it wtf
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.