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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
Figure it out people. It’s a 4-way stop sign not a woman.
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work